The First Date…Finding Out What’s Really Important

May 28th, 2009 by John

The First Date and How To Find Out What You Really Want To Know

Dating a new person can be a challenge. While you are looking for someone to share your life with you are also trying to be objective about the person in sitting in front of you. It’s a balancing act between enjoying the person’s company without romanticizing a relationship before it happens.

One challenge that seems to affect more women than men is the ability to live in the moment. Women find it a challenge to enjoy the first date before planning the second. But before even going on the first date let’s determine what you want and don’t want and then how to find out what you really want to know.

Unless this is you grew up in a test tube you’ve been around other people who are in a close relationship or have been in a close relationship yourself. You’ve watched your parents, their friends, your friends parents, your friends as they get married and of course every romanticized couple on television and the movies. By this time, even though you may not have verbalized it, you probably have definite ideas about what you can and can’t live with in another person.

We must face the fact that we aren’t perfect and there isn’t another perfect person out in this world waiting for us. There are many people who are potentially great mates but all of whom have a few negative attributes about which we must compromise. Take a hard look at your wants and desires and write them down. The physical act of writing down a list of what you do and don’t want helps to formalize the process and solidify in your mind what you can and can’t cope with in life.

Things like money, wealth, looks, athleticism, intelligence, humor, religion, politics, and how they squeeze the toothpaste can all be deal breakers. There are no right or wrong answers – only right answers for your personal situation. So let’s find them.

Pick up a pen and paper and start right now thinking and writing down what you do and don’t want in a partner. Get a picture in your mind of the perfect partner and start jotting down personality traits. Should they be supportive? Is trust important? Do they nag? Are they judgmental? Is their personality bright? Are they humble? Successful? Can they compromise or do they take charge and expect that you will compromise? Are they a good listener?

Once you have a list of traits that are important to you it’s time to figure out if your date possess them. You should first understand that on first, second and tenth dates people often put their best foot forward. Although they are still the same person they may be more attentive or less likely to argue a point than when they are more comfortable after several months.

However, the big traits that may be important such as support, religion, politics, intelligence, humor and success are difficult to hide. If you know what you are looking for (positive or negative) going into a date then you are more likely to stay focused on the task and enjoy yourself rather than become immersed in the person waiting only for that general gut feeling of whether you like them or not. You can still enjoy your date without completely losing the analytical side of yourself.

The first step is ask insightful questions that beg more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. Most people enjoy talking about themselves. Not many people also take the time to find out about the other person. In a good relationship there is give and take. It isn’t 50/50 all the time but in the end it should even out to be just that.

This means that although you should ask questions that lead to deeper conversations you should also be willing to answer questions your date asks of you.

Be an active listener for your date. Pay close attention to what they say and the way they say it. Body language can communicate up to 50% of what the person means to say. This is one big reason why communicating by email and IM can lead to miscommunications. You don’t have that disadvantage here – so use their body language to learn more about them.

Ask questions that lead with When, Where, What, Why and How. These questions delve deeper into the topic at hand and ask your date to elaborate just a bit further. This gives you the opportunity to see those traits in action. And when you actively listen to what they have to say you learn even more about what they mean.

Thanks for reading this post,