The First Date Went Well…When Do I Call Back?

When to Call After The First Date?

Actually the question may also be – who will call after the first date?    Today that responsibility may not lie just on the shoulders of the man but some women also take the initiative to contact their date.

The first thing to address is ‘when’ to call.  Most men and women assume that calling the next day might be a good idea.  After all, you could let them know that you had a great time and maybe arrange another meeting in the near future.

But you’d be wrong!

First, everyone needs a bit of space to breathe.  Some advise advocates waiting a couple of days so the woman is just pining away at home, sitting by the phone, waiting and wondering if you’ll call.  On the other hand, many women don’t feel constrained by some of the traditional roles and will call if they think they want to.

So take into account that the other person has a life outside of dating you.  Or at least they should have a life outside of dating.  If they don’t have a life outside of dating then you have another problem on your hands.  Wait a couple of days.  You might wait 2 or 3 days if the date was excellent and maybe 4-5 if the date was so/so and you’re trying to decide if you really want to go out again with this person.

Calling the next day, or worse, that night, puts too much pressure on the person and can make them feel claustrophobic.  You appear to be hovering.  We didn’t like it when our mothers hovered and no one likes it when you hover.  Back off and wait.  If it was an Excellent date with a capital “E” then you might consider sending a bouquet of flowers (not roses! again with the rushing things) the next day.  Write a nice card with a quick compliment and then call in 2 or 3 days.

If we know when to call the next time, how about who should call?

Women probably have the worst time with this decision.  Not only does society frown upon the woman making the first call after a first date but they are also forced to agonize over whether the man is going to call or not.  Women are supposed to look disinterested so the man will pant even harder after her.  It’s not the beginning of a well-balanced and mature relationship.

However, the person who calls first also holds the most power.  And what woman wants to be with a man over whom she holds all the power?  And for the most part – most men don’t want to be with that woman either.

So it becomes a juggling act for women.  If they choose to call first, after a couple of days, then they must make a concerted effort to give up power in another area of their budding relationship.  For instance, she shouldn’t call after the next couple of dates or she shouldn’t be the one to suggest that they go out on a second date.

Men do best when they have control.  They may continue to engage in a relationship when they don’t but they may also turn sullen, angry and just downright lazy.   Women may be confused to find that the man who planned an intricate first date can’t bring himself to ask you out for coffee when you do all of the calling and planning.  This just leaves women feeling unloved and unappreciated.

Is there really a right or wrong answer?  Definitely not.  The answer lies in how the date went, the personality of the man and the woman involved and if they are willing to accept the consequences of the phone call.   You can’t second guess the person on the other end.  You have to be honest, open and just ask. 

Men are more often placed in this position. It’s interesting to contemplate the shoe on the other foot.

Actually the question may also be – who will call after the first date?    Today that responsibility may not lie just on the shoulders of the man but some women also take the initiative to contact their date.

The first thing to address is ‘when’ to call.  Most men and women assume that calling the next day might be a good idea.  After all, you could let them know that you had a great time and maybe arrange another meeting in the near future.

But you’d be wrong!

First, everyone needs a bit of space to breathe.  Some advise advocates waiting a couple of days so the woman is just pining away at home, sitting by the phone, waiting and wondering if you’ll call.  On the other hand, many women don’t feel constrained by some of the traditional roles and will call if they think they want to.

So take into account that the other person has a life outside of dating you.  Or at least they should have a life outside of dating.  If they don’t have a life outside of dating then you have another problem on your hands.  Wait a couple of days.  You might wait 2 or 3 days if the date was excellent and maybe 4-5 if the date was so/so and you’re trying to decide if you really want to go out again with this person.

Calling the next day, or worse, that night, puts too much pressure on the person and can make them feel claustrophobic.  You appear to be hovering.  We didn’t like it when our mothers hovered and no one likes it when you hover.  Back off and wait.  If it was an Excellent date with a capital “E” then you might consider sending a bouquet of flowers (not roses! again with the rushing things) the next day.  Write a nice card with a quick compliment and then call in 2 or 3 days.

If we know when to call the next time, how about who should call?

Women probably have the worst time with this decision.  Not only does society frown upon the woman making the first call after a first date but they are also forced to agonize over whether the man is going to call or not.  Women are supposed to look disinterested so the man will pant even harder after her.  It’s not the beginning of a well-balanced and mature relationship.

However, the person who calls first also holds the most power.  And what woman wants to be with a man over whom she holds all the power?  And for the most part – most men don’t want to be with that woman either.

So it becomes a juggling act for women.  If they choose to call first, after a couple of days, then they must make a concerted effort to give up power in another area of their budding relationship.  For instance, she shouldn’t call after the next couple of dates or she shouldn’t be the one to suggest that they go out on a second date.

Men do best when they have control.  They may continue to engage in a relationship when they don’t but they may also turn sullen, angry and just downright lazy.   Women may be confused to find that the man who planned an intricate first date can’t bring himself to ask you out for coffee when you do all of the calling and planning.  This just leaves women feeling unloved and unappreciated.

Is there really a right or wrong answer?  Definitely not.  The answer lies in how the date went, the personality of the man and the woman involved and if they are willing to accept the consequences of the phone call.   You can’t second guess the person on the other end.  You have to be honest, open and just ask. 

Men are more often placed in this position. It’s interesting to contemplate the shoe on the other foot.

Thanks for reading this post,

 John Martin

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